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Relation negotiation
Welcome to another edition of Zone EQ, the place where we impart positive information to promote people growth and development. We will be reflecting on the significance of letting others know what we expect from them or from the relationship that we are in. We are talking about the importance of negotiations in relationships. Specifically we wil be exploring the importance of clarifying expectations in relationships as clearly and as early as possible.
Life is a give and take
They say life is a give and take. Our most intimate relationships with parents, siblings or marital partners, to the less personal alliances that we enter into with our boss, work mates, neighbour or the local spaza shop owner is about giving and receiving. What do I give, what do you give up and what do we both receive? It happens between children on the play ground, between priests and their congregations, between lovers and brothers, friends and governments as well as between therapists and their clients.
Human relations are about exchange
What I'm belabouring here is that being alive requires an exchange of some sorts. Whether that exchange involves bartering minor material resources like cash, bread and coke, or trading on intangible emotional rewards like affection, attention or sexual pleasure - human relationships are always about an exchange. Overt or implicit, fair, equitous or grossly unequal. Seldom fifty-fifty, more likely eighty-twenty.
When the mother gives suck to her new baby, perhaps sacrificing professional and social stimulation to nurture the child to the best of her ability, she hopes for an exchange. This mother most likely believes that her dedication, commitment and sacrifice will result in an emotionally well balanced child fit for family and society.
Once we begin to accept the inherent exchange nature of life, we will learn to pause now and then to pop the million dollar question to ourselves "what's in this for me?" This is one step away from putting it out there. Let others know what you need or how you feel. Nobody likes to feel used or taken advantage of.
So what is an expectation?
An expectation is having a belief about something in the future. When you study hard you expect to pass your examination. Parents expect that after all the sacrifices that they have made bringing up their children that their children will be "good" children, or take care of them in their old age, and so on.
An expectation is something that we want, something that we expect to get. Expectations differ from person to person, situation to situation and may change in the same situation and person over time.
When young children become teenagers for example, their expectations and demands from their parents and friends may change dramatically. In this process both parents and teenagers have to adapt their expectations and responses to each other.
Hidden expectations
Although we have expectations at every turn of our lives for the most part it remains hidden, unspoken and exclusively "in the mind". It is experienced as a psychological contract between two or more parties, in other words implicit, and is seldom articulated or written down.
Like when a man gets married he may expect his wife to completely devote her time to promote the well-being of their family.
The wife in this instance may expect to fullfill these expectations only part of the time, or only until the children have grown up or she may have ambitions that go way beyond concerns about the well-being of husband and family.
When the wife acts out her expectations it may come as a big shock and disappointment to her husband. When children decide to up and leave the country parents may struggle to come to terms with such acts of "abandonment". Thus, much hurt, disappointment and confusion in relationships can be avoided if time is taken to clarify expectations.
We are socialised to certain expectations
We are brought up to be be careful about strangers because they might hurt us. In intimate relationships we expect our loved ones to speak kindly to us, to praise us, to miss us when we are not around. So we are caught completely off-guard by the violations of family members. We do not expect to be hurt, betrayed or abandoned by them. We have not been taught to guard ourselves against the harm that may come from the "inside". Therefore such harm may run so much deeper and it may be much more difficult to process and address.
Is it OK for your sister to borrow money from you and not pay you back? Is it fine for your husband to expect that you pay for the running costs of the household when you had expected to marry the "breadwinner". Why does the grandmother feel so cheated when her children casually drop off the kids with her over the weekend while they do their shopping or go see a movie?
Taking action:
Clarification of your expectations in relationships is a positive tool of personal growth.
Before we can tell others what we require we need to know and understand our own needs and desires. It may help to do the following exercise:
identify and jot down the three most important relationships in your life Brainstorm what you would like to get out of these relationships Share this information only with a trusted person
It is important to speak up and say what you want. Do not expect others to mind read. In a new relationship get all the expectations on the table at the beginning. Say who does what. It's easy to pretend differences do not exist and to hope things will turn out fine. Be aware of relationships where you feel you are being silenced in a subtle and sometimes not so subtle way. You get a feeling that you are not allowed to say what you have to say. You may find your voice taken away or you may be punished for voicing your own opinion. Practice with a trusted person how to say something in a firm but respectful way. Asserting what we require without disrespecting others is a skill that may need to be practised before it can be done effectively.
Some of the rewards gained from clarifying expectations in relationships
Increased self awareness of needs, desires and expectations Greater critical reflection about relationships Greater cost-benefit awareness in relationships You can take action when you are getting less than what you expect to get Make decisions about continuing or terminating certain relationships Learn to speak up for yourself Increased self respect More respect from others Feel more in control, powerful and focused Your creativity, joy and inner potential can show more You waste less time resuscitating exhausting relationships You have more time to devote to yourself and to rewarding tasks So make that appointment with the boss. Ask for that promotion that's been due two years already. Gently remind your sister that she's earning enough money now to start paying you back.
Good luck
Until next time
Your LM Diva
Shahieda
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