Welcome to the second issue of the Zone EQ column. How the time has flown, just the other day we said hello to each other for the first time. Well today I am going to walk you through something that is very important in a relationship - with ourselves, with others, cross culturally, internationally and with nature. Before we can take off on a journey together we need to define and understand the role that values play in our lives. Clarifying our values enable us to forge a common understanding of the deeper beliefs and principles that will inform and shape our relationship with each other.

This column is divided into two parts. In the first section I stimulate you to reflect on the concept values and of its power in your life. In the second part I share with you some of the values that will form the foundation of this column. Sharing some of my values with you will deepen the knowledge that we have of each other which will foster mutual respect and closeness, God willing.

A value is that on which we place special importance or worth, in which we believe and is part of our lifestyle. Values are sacred to us. It refers to the things for which we are prepared to sacrifice time and money and go the extra mile for. That is why values bring meaning to life. It is precisely values that link us to our higher divine purpose in life. Therefore following the last few decades of loss of values, many people are renewing their search for meaning in life.

Every  individual, family, community, group or organisation, even nature and animals operate within a value system. Whether you realise it or not every time you make a choice about doing one thing as opposed to another, you make a value decision. Even doing 'nothing' or waiting for a situation 'to go away' is a value based decision. Values are mostly implicit in what we do. It is there but seldom articulated. It can't be seen save in action. Therefore the values that we hold dear becomes apparent in our behaviour. It is in the manner in which we express our passions or contain ourselves, the choices we make in life or the company that we keep. Most of the time we are unaware of the values that inform our behaviour until it is challenged or a crisis forces us to review the principles by which we operate. In our contemporary world it may sometimes feel like we live in a “value free" society, where anything goes and all things are of equal worth, but we realise that in reality this is not so.

Some examples of universal values include:

All people are of equal worth

Differences are to be honoured, valued and celebrated

The best decisions are made by people affected by them

If parents value the importance of reading for example they would probably attempt to limit the amount of time their children spend in front of the television. They would take their children on regular visits to the library, buy and read them books.

Where do values come from? As children we receive our values from parents, teachers, neighbours and later from influential individuals, groups and organisations that we come into contact with. Parents and adults receive a large part of their values through religious instruction. This may be true even for those individuals who later abandon or reject faith-based practices. The media projects value-based messages all the time. Use this product if you want to be beautiful. This hair style will make you popular. Driving that kind of car will make you more of a man, ad infinitum.

Why should we spend time clarifying our values?

I read a long time ago that giving a child a solid set of values is one of the best gifts a parent can give to a child. How blessed our children will be. This is a challenge directed to parents and all adults in the presence of children and young people. Adults have to monitor that their own behaviours are consistent with their values as well as to share the values that they hold dear in both word and deed.

Do you know parents who have drawn up a list of timeless true principles, taught it to their families and lovingly hold them to abide by such a manifesto?

Can you list the values and principles that you would like to leave as a legacy for your children?

List 5 of your most important values. 1----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now ask yourself the following questions? Does your life reflect the values that you have listed above? Is their a congruence between the values listed above and the work that you do? Or with the way in which you respond to your children? You can choose to share this list with a significant person in your life who can provide you with feedback.

Without a set of values to point out right from wrong we would be at the mercy of our inner whims and external temptations. Values keep us strong and steady. We stand witness to a culture where the false values of materialism and superficiality reign supreme. A top priority for so many people today, not just some young people, seem to centre around the state of one's hairdo, or 'wat gaan die mense sê' or how much belly button to flash in public. People appear to be restless, vacuous and aimless. They complain of feeling "empty" or bored. You ask someone what's their passion in life or what gets them excited and if you're lucky to get a response it might be a blank stare.

Much of the frustrations of young people can be traced to a rootlessness. Rootlessness is nothing but a vacuum of clear solid values. It seems they have no centre. They have to rely on the media for values. How come then we adults pretend to be surprised at the levels of lawlessness, crime, drug use, divorce, family dysfunction and sexually deviant behaviour in our present society?

Once you are rooted you have an identity. You know who you are. Only then can you be held accountable for your behaviours. Such personal accountability can then be expressed as self respect, discipline and a sense of responsibility and purpose. Solid as a rock, like the song goes.

If we know our values we have come a long way to know who we are. As the saying goes, if you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.

The values that shadow the birth and purpose of this column

A key value that underlies the birth and purpose of this column is the value of people. People are inherently valuable. They have a spiritual connectedness, tender feelings, an individual uniqueness and a “reason for being here”. It matters little whether the person is a child, a geriatric, a hardened criminal or mentally challenged. People are our most valuable resource. Irrespective of the disadvantage that they may come from, or their own lurking evil that threatens to sabotage them, or the present hardships they are enduring, when they are respected, supported and developed they can fulfil their true purpose to themselves and their societies.

People, on both ends of the good-evil continuum fascinate me. The shiny samples, the lesser angels, as well as the ones who appear to be at the mercy of their lower selves. This column is because of them. I constantly learn and develop myself because of the feedback that I get from people. I learn from the mistakes that people commit against me. And I learn from the mistakes that I commit against them. I look and I learn. People are awesome. You learn a lot from just being with them. You learn also when you temporally remove yourself from them. You learn when you co-operate and get on well with them. You learn even more, particularly about yourself and your own short comings, when you experience conflict and misunderstanding with them.

The other value that I want to wax lyrical about is the importance of improving our emotional intelligence. Hence the title of this column. Daniel Goleman (1996) wrote that EQ (emotional intelligence) matters more than IQ.

Emotional intelligence is knowing our feelings, managing it and expressing it in a constructive manner. It refers to one's ability to control oneself or to delay satisfaction of immediate desires for the sake of higher goals. It is the steadyness to make rational decisions while feeling the tug of powerful emotions. Sometimes it is the ability to put our God-given intuition and inner wisdom to good use.

Let us be reminded of the value of self awareness, personal growth, and of becoming better human beings. We  have to make ourselves our own best project. We should strive to be confident enough to list our strengths and good qualities. To reward and pat ourselves on the back for a job well done. We need to embrace the struggle with our weaker selves and dare to confront our shadows and demons. Courageous are they who have the humility to admit when they are wrong. Who have only pardon and grace for those who have hurt them.

Another important value that I seek to declare here is the principle of free speech. We know that there are limits to all freedoms, and that freedom need to operate within boundaries. Having said that we should be allowed to question everything as long as its done respectfully and with noble intention. We should be allowed to speak the unspeakable, to be forthright and direct about taboo matters in our pursuit of self knowledge and personal excellence.

This brings me to the value of going beyond a problem orientated focus to people concerns. Mainstream psychology has popularised notions of “issues” and “baggage”. There seems to be an implicit assumption that people “need” therapy to get “fixed”. What is often neglected is an appreciation for the built in hardiness and resilience of people that enable them to “ride” whatever storms they face.

Addressing problems has its place. However we are not going to limit our interaction to solving problems. My role is to stimulate your creativity, to facilitate the development of new skills, fresh insights and novel ways of doing old things. The purpose is not just to solve a problem but to redefine who we are during that process. During such an encounter the relationship between “helper” and “client” is transformed into that of a partnership because, their can be no effective personal transformation without ownership and accountability. As the "helper" I am powerless to change you. All the tools and beliefs that you need to become your higher self lie dormant inside of you, waiting to be ignited.

Ownership and accountability are connected to the other most important value and that is of taking action. You can spend twelve years on a therapist's couch and get really well psychologised. Surprise surprise. Real change comes from doing something differently to what has been done before. Its about taking that first small step, and persevering, feeling the fear of change but pushing on nevertheless.

So as you can see we're going to get into “diep dinge”. The rub is to do it with a twinkle in one's eye. I am talking about the value of light-heartedness and laughter. If you can laugh at yourself in the midst of misery and crises you are going to be perfectly OK. Laughter brings balance and perspective. It ensures that we do not take ourselves too seriously. Just because we are digging deep inside ourselves does  not mean we have to lose our sense of humour.

The value of diversity. It is important that this column is accessible to people across the man made boundaries of race, status, class and so forth.  The adult's version of events is not necessarily of more value than that of the child. The Muslim world is not superior to that of people of other faiths. At the same time we do not denounce and ignore difference but we learn to “be” in the anxiety that difference sometimes generates.

And last but not least we reinforce the importance of a holistic, contextually sensitive understanding of human behaviour. Human experience happens both intra-psychically as well as systemically. There are historical as well as immediate family and relationship contexts that shape behaviour. At the same we can never ignore the simultaneous influence of the broader environment, social, religious, cultural and political factors.

And so dear visitor we come to the end of this walk. Let's hope that we will grow in understanding together. I look forward to our next time. All the best for 2006.

Your LM Diva

Shahieda

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